Click on images to enlarge.Emails from Kirsten and Naoto
May 2005
Date: Thu, 5 May 2005 19:13:09 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: On rituals and death
It's a rainy day at the end of Golden Week. Naoto and Mia are off at work and school, and I am typing at the computer with a sleeping Maika in my arms.
Naoto and I are in full job-search swing because things have gradually worsened at his job here in Tokyo. It makes me wonder if we will still be in Japan come winter. I guess we'll just wait and see.
Maika will be 1 year old in 3 weeks. My how the time has flown. She is beginning to assert her own personality now. She can point to things and grunt when she wants them. She makes a fuss if Mia grabs a toy away from her. She definitely doesn't like anybody helping her to eat. I have to stop thinking of her as only a baby now and accomodate letting her make some of her own choices.
So my mind is turning towards endings and beginnings, and all the stresses thereof.
On rituals and death
If there's one thing Japan does better than the U.S., it's rituals. Opening ceremonies, closing ceremonies, celebration of turning 3, 5, and 7 years old. The new year is marked with a visit to a shrine, not religious, but a cultural visitation.
And then there's death. That's where I think Japan does the best job. They have a funeral or wake where people can drop by and give condolences and "see" the departed. Then in set intervals (like 49 days afterwards, then a certain number of years) afterwards they have memorial days where people gather to remember the departed.
This makes sense to me. I don't think people stop grieving for loved ones. Possibly time helps them to stop feeling immediate pain, but a dear departed one is always with us.
My maternal grandmother has been gone for years, but her legacy to me of remembered afternoons in the kitchen, roast dinners, teddy-bear clothing sewing sessions, and book reading is still a fundamental part of how I view my childhood.
I never stop wishing my own children could have met her. So in one sense, I never stop missing her. I am never "over" it.
That's where Japan's way, having set memorial days where once again it's "okay" to grieve, to tell stories, to acknowledge this person for good or ill, makes sense to me.
This weekend Naoto will probably go to Yokohama to gather with a group of friends from high school. They do this every year in memory of his good friend who died in a hang gliding accident when Naoto was in college.
That's more than 10 years they've been doing this. 10 years of acknowledging important emotional ties to each other.
It's just like that Hugh Grant movie: Four Weddings and a Funeral. We see our lives change through these important, ritual events. These rituals are the way we sustain ourselves and our identities in the modern world.
Without them, we are anchorless and adrift. This has become very apparent to me living overseas. I have missed important funerals for family members, important weddings for good friends, and despite being a little more open-minded about Lutheranism than good old Martin probably intended, I miss the ritual acknowledgement of my daughters' births through baptism.
Somehow these little chinks in the weave of ties holding my emotional life together never seemed to much to bear singly, yet collectively, over these past few years, gaping holes have appeared.
So what am I to do?
I think I'll go to the neighborhood shrine and ask the local god to check in on my grandmother. I'm sure the Lord won't mind if a Shinto spirit pops into heaven for a bit just to see how she's doing.
love and light,
kirsten
p.s. My grandmother and her great grand daughters, neither of whom she was able to meet in life.
Click on images to enlarge.
Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 00:18:25 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: And Because I Can't Get Enough of Dialogue on Multiculturalism
Mia went on her first field trip today; they went to a park that I used to take Mia to all the time before she started school.
Maika continues her "music together" class in kichijoji. Today another, older boy pushed her down and made her cry, but she also was actually hitting a drum in rhythm to the music in class.
Naoto continues to dislike his job so we are hoping that either Honolulu or Cleveland decides to hire him.
Meanwhile, I am taking the GRE's next month and thus am having to brush up on the quantitative portion. (what is the pythagorean theorem again? what are the angles in an isoceles triangle? do you think I could sneak Naoto in there for that part of the test?)
I've had two class officer meetings at the kindergarten so far. Let's just say that the stereotype of Japan being formal and the U.S. being casual is sometimes true. We haven't actually...done...anything yet besides listen to the principal wax poetic about nature, introduce ourselves, thank the last years' officers, and look at how they spent the budget last year. All that took two meetings and a grand total of 3 hours. Sigh. I still don't know what I am supposed to do yet!
In other Maika news, she is standing unassisted now. She says "num num" (like Kristina) for food and also "bah bah bah" and "dego dego dego." She goes wild over our posters of japanese kana in the bathroom. She stands up in the bath and hits the posters and giggles and keeps up a running monologue.
She will be 1 year old next week. My how times flies.
And Because I Can't Get Enough of Dialogue on Multiculturalism
There's a half-Japanese/bicultural lady who wrote an interesting article here:
http://www.japantoday.com/e/?content=comment&id=768
Where she kind of says biracial people in Japan are their own culture and are not Japanese or their "other half."
She says that she doesn't consider people "half" if they grew up in the U.S. because if you live in the U.S. you are just "American." She says only people who live in Japan can "cultivate" their "half" identity.
Hmmmmmmm. Granted I will never really understand what its like to be biracial as I am monoracial/monocultural. However, I don't think she's right about growing up in the U.S. making you not able to cultivate your "half" identity. I would think it completely depends on where you live....
For some famous half-Japanese bios, visit: http://www.halvsie.com
Which is why although my heart draws me to Ohio (get on the ball Progressive and call us back!), I think ultimately Mia and Maika would be best served by growing up in Honolulu. Not that I get a choice, really.
Also, thinking about how some experts say oil production is going to peak globally in the near near future makes me wonder how long we will be able to fly back and forth from the States to Tokyo every year for under $4000. In thinking about my family's future, I always assumed we would go back to the "other" country at least once a year. If that becomes way too expensive as oil/jet fuel prices go higher and higher, either Naoto or I are going to have to, in effect, give up our country.
I don't want it to be me. I have become accustomed to certain things about living in Japan, and will certainly miss a lot when I go back to the States. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, I want the flexibility that comes with living in the States.
Sorry, Naoto. Sorry, Naoto's parents.
There's been a thread recently on the Married to a Japanese man list discussing child abductions by parents in international marriages.
Apparently, since Japan hasn't signed the Hague convention, they don't acknowledge a Japanese parent as an "abductor" if the Japanese parent takes their child and runs. However, if the foreign parent takes the child and runs, they will get charged as kidnappers.
So let me get this straight. If Naoto and I have problems and we both want the kids, I am not listed as their legal parent anywhere on his official family register, I can't take them out of the country without his permission, and in most custody cases the Japanese court finds for the Japanese parent because otherwise it would be admitting that the "foreign" culture is better.
I have no rights in regards to my own children! I would find that very, very scary if I didn't have faith in Naoto.
It seems that some of the women on the list are "making do" with less than perfect marriages here in Japan because of the potential complications.
But it doesn't stop there. You not only have to worry about your husband, but also your in-laws! One English lady wrote that her mother-in-law called her child's school to complain that she only spoke English to her son, left him alone in the house, and only fed him instant ramen. The lady got called to the school and got lectured for a long time until the school realized that there was no possible way for the mother-in-law to even know this since she lived hundreds of miles away. The mother-in-law had lied and told the school she lived with the family.
Another lady wrote in that her mother-in-law threatened to sue for custody of the child if she didn't stop speaking English to her child and feeding the child "foreign" food.
Talk about meddling mother-in-laws.
Luckily, my mother-in-law is not that psychotic. I still gave her a big present on mother's day, though...just in case....
Apparently, the birthrate for international marriages is around 2.9 in Japan, compared with only 1.3 for Japanese/Japanese marriages.
Also, for such an insular, island, homogenous country like Japan, over the past 30 years, there has been a 6.5 fold increase in the number of international marriages, with a particularly dramatic rise in the late 1980s. In 1970, there were only 5,546 international marriages a year. In 2000, this figure had hit 36,263.
http://www.glocom.org/special_topics/social_trends/20021112_trends_s16/index.html
It looks like more and more mother-in-laws are going to have to deal with bilingual grandchildren. Although, I wonder if that trend will stop abruptly, when it becomes too expensive to fly across the Pacific.
I wonder if Mia and Maika will be among some of the last generations of multicultural/biracial children.
Already, I feel that the United States is pulling back and becoming more insular.
But that's a topic for another day.
love and light,
kirsten
Click
image to enlarge.
Recent photos from Mia's kindergarten, picnic with our apartment friends, and Maika's 1 year birthday.
http://community.webshots.com/user/kblincolnsuzuki
album titled "maika's birthday and stuff"
Sun, 29 May 2005 00:51:41 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Those wacky Japanese and their misconceptions
Dear Friends and Family:
Maika turned 1 last friday. She isn't walking like I thought she would be, but she's certainly able to get around nonetheless. Since yesterday she's been doing this strange half-crab crawl thing that's got Naoto in hysterics.
Mia is taking swimming lessons every wednesday now. She doesn't like it so far, but I am going to persist. I think its a skill everyone should know. Besides, there's far too many Japanese who don't know how to swim (despite living on an island, go figure)
Those wacky Japanese and their misconceptions
Don't get me started on "misconceptions." Okay, I guess I brought it up, but this is such a rich area to mine that I could fill up a 1000 emails with just this topic. (in all fairness, I could probably fill up the same amount of emails with U.S. misconceptions as well)
However, the past few days have brought a few good ones to the fore.
1) U.S. people don't eat fish
(sorry Naoto)Okay, I love my mother-in-law, but sometimes I wish she would see me for me and not as her foriegn daughter in law. I've been with Naoto for about 10 years now? Almost every meal I've ever had with my his parents included fish. Yet she still thinks I don't like it.
She brought some food over for Maika's birthday. She put the sashimi in the refrigerator. When I set out the pizza I asked her if she wanted to put the sashimi out yet. She said "Naoto's not home yet, and you won't eat it, so let's just leave it for him."
2) U.S. people look older.
A man today asked me if Maika was my granddaughter. What? Do I really look that old?
3) U.S. people all are blonde and blue eyed.
Come on folks, this one needs to go. A lady in my apartment complex said to me something like "oh yeah, when I met you I was so surprised by your brown hair. I thought all Americans were really blonde like in the movies."
First of all, NOT ALL U.S. ACTORS HAVE BLONDE HAIR! Heard of Tom Cruise? Orlando Bloom? Audrey Hepburn? Pierce Brosnan? Not to mention Bruce Li? Wil Smith? Denzel Washington? Keanu Reeves? Julia Roberts? Second of all...oh just forget it.
4)U.S. people are all excited to talk politics in broken English to any stranger who accosts them despite being responsible for 3 thirsty children who just want the apple juice said U.S. person is just trying to buy.
I took the girls and Mia's school friend Riku to the park to play. I just wanted to buy some apple juice. The store lady was so excited she immediately launched into a critique of Bush's foreign policy despite Mia whining in Japanese "apple juice!"
Okay, enough of the snarky Kirsten comments.
An old man at the river (actually stream) festival today just randomly walked up to Mia and handed her a plastic shopping bag with a live crab (mini) in it.
I love Japan.
love and light,
Kirsten
P.S. photo from Mia's school
