Emails from Kirsten and Naoto
March 2004

Date: Mon, 1 Mar 2004 04:03:38 -0800 (PST)
Subject: unecessary things and Illiterate

Dear Friends and Family:

We have reached the halfway point in Naoto's absence and I feel that Mia and I have settled into a liveable pattern now.

We go to the library, the store, the post office, the bread store, the children's center, the park, and once a month La Leche League meetings.

Having to walk everywhere sure eats up a lot of time!

Mia is addicted to this internet site (multimedia games, songs, and stories) called boowakwala.com. A blue dog and yellow Koala are featured. The cool things is that the games/songs/stories can be viewed in several different languages.

It is going to seem like a luxury when Naoto comes back. Even though he will only be around for an hour in the morning and an hour before Mia goes to bed at night, at least I won't have to scramble to do the dishes before I go to bed. Or if I forget to take out the garbage, I don't have to get Mia all dressed and take a walk down to the corner to the glass and can recycle bins.

I guess in some ways his 6 week absence is preparing me for the reality of being a housewife of a Japanese salaryman.

Unecessary things

Kirsten's list of the top 5 things Japan didn't really need to invent/develop:

5. melon-flavored soda

I mean come on, it is a scary shade of green, too sweet, and very nasty tasting. If god meant for soda to be melon-flavored, pepsi and coke would have invented it earlier!

4. Fake running water noise in public bathrooms

I've been noticing these motion-sensor panels in new bathrooms all over the Tokyo train/subway system. When it senses you come and sit down, or when you pass your hand over the panel, it makes a fake running water/tinkling noise.

Okay, I do have moments when I hope the people in the stalls next to me can ignore my body's noises, but I think automatic fake running water noises is one sign that Japan is entering it's last century of decadence a la the Fall of Rome.

3. Toilets with 18 buttons

I kid you not. Look at this link: http://www1.cs.columbia.edu/~sedwards/photos/crazyjapan200207/Pages/Image29.html

Of course I do like the bidet functions and temperature control. But 18 buttons? Again, I sense the fall of Rome near...

2. Spam sushi

http://www.litrans.net/v/photo/others/spam.htm

Apparently spam is a big deal in Okinawa. I have to laugh my head off everytime there is a special "okinawan" market at the local store. Among the exotic vegetables, teas, and dried fruits are always a whole stack of spam cans.

1. (drum roll please) Soy-sauce flavored donuts

Yes, Mr. Donuts is now having a special with a ring donut called "Pon de ring" that comes in chocolate, strawberry, plain, and soy sauce.

Whoever came up with that idea shouldn't quit his day job.

Illiterate

My father was/is a college reference librarian. That means, whenever I asked innocent children's questions like "Why is the sky blue?" or "When did Ghenghis Khan die?", I would get a quick gloss of an answer (2 minutes) and then a long, long lecture about where I could go look up the information (25 minutes).

Okay, sorry dad, I am exaggerating here a little bit.

Anyway, what this did to me is make my ability to research and retrieve information very important to my sense of self and life.

If I am worried about a strange rash on Mia's back, I look it up! If I am worried about Naoto's retirement, I research 401ks. If I want to find an organic delivery service, I get online and find one.

This becomes difficult in Japan because most of the necessary information for, let's say, finding nearby boot sellers, children's vaccination services, the way you are supposed to recycle cardboard boxes, is all in- you guessed it- Japanese.

I am only slightly above illiterate in Japan (one of the world's most literate nations). I read at about the 3rd grade level.

For someone as addicted to reading as I am (and I mean addicted! I compulsively read everything, from graffiti on bathrooms walls to cereal boxes to information on clothing tags) this can be very frustrating.

I have been insulated from this by Naoto's presence (and the fact that I was at work most of the time.) Now that I am the housewife and responsible for various things including Mia's health, food procuring, etc. etc. I am faced with the unwelcome fact that I just can't figure out things on my own.

What a blow!

For instance:

I want to meet a friend with a 3 year old somewhere between her and my subway stop. I tried looking online to get information about parks/play areas, and got frustrated because I couldn't read any of it!

I got directions to a recycle shop that included "turn left at the Mitaka highway sign" and only realized en route that I didn't actually know the kanji for "mitaka."

I wish here to tie this together with some profound and moving thought about illiteracy in the U.S. The only thing I could come up with is that I have come to appreciate the feelings of immigrants a little better.

Mia is going to grow up (hopefully) able to read and write in this language that has caused me so many headaches over the years. I try to imagine the similiar situation in the U.S. with first generation immigrants and am awed by the profound tangle of emotions (pride, shame, frustration, joy) that is evoked by having your child outreach you in such an important area.

love and light,
kirsten

P.S. Mommy got bored one rainy day (couldn't take the stroller out in the pouring rain) and dressed up Mia in scarves and had a fashion shoot.

Click on image to enlarge.

Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 13:16:19 -0800 (PST)
Subject: MILs and reasons 567 and 568

Dear Friends and Family

Well, the Naoto-returns-to-Japan big event is now only 7 days away!

I am very excited.

In Mia news, she counted to 10 all by herself (correctly) several times in the past few days. I think the learning impetus was playing hide-and-seek with me a few times.

She also consistently recognizes the letters "M", "K", "Q", and "C" on various signs all over the place. This is mainly due to a book Baba bought her where you push a letter and the book says a word beginning with that letter.

Okay, so she isn't actually saying the name of the letter when she recognizes them outside, but she does say "Mia", "king", "queen" and "cat".

MILs

As I have mentioned before, I participate on an email list of women married/in relationships with Japanese men. Most of the women are from the U.S., England, Australia and Canada.

They give lots of good advice, and also provide a forum to talk about things without having to explain certain background subjects or assumptions. (like the importance of being married to the eldest son, or who gives chocolate to who on White Day)

But for me, the single most important function of this group (and this is rather petty of me, I know) has been as a reminder that I don't actually have it that bad.

Especially in the area of MILs (mothers in laws).

Some examples; (these are true examples from the list as reported by other women)

a MIL who came to the couple's house at 5 in the morning begging and screaming outside their door not to get married.

a MIL who tried to pay off the woman not to marry her son.

a MIL (actually more than one) who physically throws things.

a MIL who spreads rumors around the neighborhood about a woman's sluttiness.

more than one MIL who can't seem to see the importance of using child seats.

I have always suspected that my intermediate language ability protected me from my MIL in some ways. Maybe I wasn't hearing snide comments or understanding subtle, little digs.

But no, I don't think the language problem is insulating me from heavy, flying objects! I am pretty lucky in Naoto's family.

Reasons 567 and 568 Why Mia Won't Grow up in Japan

The following two comments (heard in the past week from people who know me and my family and who consequently should know better) are further examples of why Mia and any other children we have probably shouldn't spend their entire childhood growing up in Japan.

1. "Oh, Mia's Japanese pronunciation is so clear/clean."

(Okay, this is offensive in many ways to me, but hello, she LIVES in Japan! For all intents and purposes she IS Japanese. Of course she can speak Japanese clearly! Duh!)

2. "Mia sits so easily with her legs crossed."

(Okay, so most women sit in Japan in seiza (with knees folded under them) and I don't. If this isn't a snide comment on my tendency to sit cross-legged, then this burns me. Even if it isn't a dig at me, how irrevelant a comment is this? Of course 2 year olds can sit in any position easily. Mia also sits in seiza easily. What does it matter? Why draw attention to it?)

I recently discovered the main, central park where there is an extensive playground for kids. (sigh of relief here. I hadn't found a good place for Mia to play outside until now)

The added bonus is that it is also used as a dog-walking park, so Mia gets to pet dogs every time we go. Here is a picture from the park. Also, a picture of me from my second-to-last day of work at Josai.

love and light,
Kirsten

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Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 22:51:25 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Children and Double Standards

Dear Friends and Family

Yay, Naoto's back home. He brought back maple syrup and finger paint (and a stuffed moose.) Yay!

I have had many people remark recently that Mia is fairly verbal for 2 and a half year old. She can sing "Old McDonald", "itsy bitsy spider", and some Japanese songs including "gen kotsu yama" straight through without much prompting.

Yesterday she was talking to me while I was online, and when I didn't immediately react to the fact that her bear was taking a bath, she switched from telling me in Japanese to telling me in English.

Unfortunately, she is showing signs of my family's general lack of coordination.

She is also just not a sharing girl. She consistently gets upset about other kids going down the same slide as her.

We'll have to work on that one.

Today we had a pee pee accident on the train to Kichijoji. We've been trying (mostly successfully) to go without diapers. She is being a good sport about going to the bathroom on both western and Japanese style toilets (Japanese toilets are squatters).

I looked down and saw a thin stream of wetness at my feet just before our station. I tried to make myself believe it was a clump of mud or rain puddle. But it seemed to be coming from directly underneath Mia's stroller.

When I asked her if she peed, she told me very vehemently "No, doggy is sleeping. Doggy is sleeping."

I thought about trying to wipe it up with a towel, but then our station arrived. I sat there as all the businessmen and overdressed old ladies got up and got off.

I kept thinking, "Please don't notice that my daughter just peed on your train. Please don't notice."

How embarrassing. I didn't handle that one well, I know.

Children and Double Standards

There seems to be this weird double standard in Japan regarding children.

Not that there isn't in the States or other places, just that I notice it here because I am the mother of a child living in Japan.

For instance:

Standard #1 Let's support children, but only in the neighborhood

Every city has these wonderful children centers. They are free. They have jungle gyms, scheduled activities for children of all ages including rhythm and dance, cooking, crafts, etc.

Many cities have free well baby care including check ups and immunizations.

Yet... Tokyo, the major cosmopolitan city of super-tech advanced Japan has the most unfriendly subway and public transportation system.

Let's say there is a station with three platforms. Maybe one will have an elevator or escalator. If you have to take a train on one of the other platforms, too bad. You have to carry child and/or stroller down huge flights of stairs.

I am not sure what the thinking on this one is. It's like "okay, we provided one elevator, now we're stroller/handicapped person friendly."

People consistently glare at you for taking up space on the trains with your stroller/child. You can also stand directly in front of young, healthy men/women who are sitting in the courtesy seats (seats with big signs over them saying please let handicapped, pregnant, senior citizens, or mothers with small children sit here) with your 7 month pregnant belly and 2 year old child in your arms, and they won't even blink.

There are signs in many stations saying something to the effect of "please don't be a bother with your stroller."

All this sends a message to me that I should stay in my own neighborhood with my children. Venturing out should only be done by businessmen and other healthy, whole-bodied people.

Standard #2 Let's support healthy children and babies, but not their traffic safety.

I mentioned the free shots and stuff, right? Also the fact that Japan has a lower infant mortality rate than the states?

I am sure you might also know that Japan has narrower streets with more people per square kilometer crammed into them than the U.S.

Japan is also TERRIBLE about enforcing child safety laws in cars.

On any given day you can see children under 2 years old held standing on back seats, being held in parents' arms, being held in parents' arms WHILE THEY DRIVE, and basically not in safe seats.

Apparently it is illegal to ride a bicycle with 2 children on it (one in a special seat up front, one on in a seat on the back) and yet apparently it isn't illegal to sell them because many stores specialize in this kind of "mommy bicycle."

I've even seen mothers ride with 3 children! (one in a carrier on their back.) In fact Naoto's mother boasts of this.

I am not surprised many mothers resort to this. It's probably impossible for them to go up and down all the stairs on the subways!

And don't even get me started on the smoking!!!!!

Anyway, enough of my ranting for today. I just noticed all this stuff more than usual today because I took a subway to a children's center in another part of Tokyo. We had to go down many stairs on the subways with Mia's stroller, Mia had a tantrum because another child came into the playhouse at the center when she was in there, and then I saw a man driving with his child in his arms while talking on the cell phone.

Sheesh.

love and light,
Kirsten

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