Emails from Kirsten and Naoto
August 2004

Date: Mon, 2 Aug 2004 00:33:23 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Dingers

Friends and Family:

So the strangest thing just happened to me. I am sitting at the computer wasting time, as usual, when the phone rings.

I jump to pick it up because both girls are sleeping. A Japanese man is on the line. He thanks me for my order yesterday. (Now I am trying to pick my brain for what I could have possibly ordered)

Then he gently reminds me that I ordered sushi from his restaurant. (Oh yes, my brain clicks in. We had friends over yesterday. Friends from the camp where Naoto and I met)

Then this guy starts apologizing to me because the sushi rice had been too hard. Apparently there was a slight problem with the rice cooker- and other customer had complained.

Very bizarre. There hadn't been a problem with our sushi. But even if there had been a problem, it would have been strange to be called by the restaurant the next day and be apologized to.

Dingers

So one of my big pet peeves in Japan are the Dingers. Y'all remember now that Japan is the size of California with about half the population of the United States crammed into the non-mountainous areas. Let me just say it's crowded. It is doubly so in Tokyo.

So that have narrow streets. And hardly any sidewalks to speak of. Add to that the fact that many more people here bike or motorped, and you can imagine the chaotic state of traffic.

So what is a pedestrian to do? Especially one pushing a carriage (and oversized U.S. carriage to boot) with a 2 month old baby while holding the hand of a 3 year old?

We walk on the sidewalks. However, in Japan, the sidewalk traffic is just as chaotic as the street because most bicyclists ride on the sidewalk (way too dangerous in the street). I have found two things that make pedestrian life annoying.

1) Nobody here seems to decide on which side of the sidewalk to pass each other on. In the States most people would move to the right, yes? Not here. About three times a week I find myself playing chicken with an old ladies on bicycles who think that I, with my stroller and toddler should move out of their way even though I am following Japanese pedestrian traffic conventions by walking on the extreme right side of the sidewalk.

2) Pedestrians don't rule on the sidewalk. We must get out of the way of bicycles.

Number one just annoys me. However number 2 is the bane of my existence. I can't tell you how annoying it is to have to move to the side and grab Mia's hand and pull her to the side five times in the 13 minute walk from my house to the grocery store. AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING, NAOTO!!!

And the dinging just drives me right up the wall. All the bicycles have these bells. Okay, if you are coming up behind me and I am taking up more room on the sidewalk then I should, you can ding me. However, if you are coming at me face on (thus meaning that I SEE YOU) and I am already as far right as I can possibly be....don't ding me!!!! there is no point! What should I do, get on the street with my children to get out of your way?

Also the compulsive dingers, usually old men or young middle-school aged boys, are annoying too. They ding from far away, when they are right next to you, and even after they have passed you. Like they have diarrhea of the fingers or something.

This may seem like a trivial matter to you all who are not hardcore pedestrians like me. (I don't drive and I can't ride a bicycle until Maika's neck is stronger.) But it really stresses you out to have all those dings, believe me.

So I have decided I am not moving anymore (unless it is one of those mothers on a bicycle with two children. I will move for them. Balance being an issue there.)

So come on old ladies, compulsive dingers, and young, obnoxious schoolgirls who think they are the center of the universe.

Me and my U.S. made stroller will crush you. We will drive you before us in fear. We will hear the lamentations of your women.

love and light,
kirsten

Click picture to enlarge

Date: Wed, 4 Aug 2004 22:45:41 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Little Boy and Fat Man

Dear Friends and Family

Hiroshima
6 August 8:15 AM

Nagasaki
9 August 11:02 AM

Japanese-American marriages have a unique condition attached to them. America is the only country to drop an atomic bomb on another country in war. Japan is the only country to be attacked by an atomic bomb.

Naoto and I may be too young to take responsibility or to lay blame.

However, we are not too young to try to make sure that such a tragedy never replays during our lifetimes.

See photos of Nagasaki after the bomb: http://www.exploratorium.edu/nagasaki/journey/journey1.html

No, really. Look at them. Burn them into your brain. This is not something that happened far away and long ago to people you have no connection with.

If you are receiving this email, it is because you have a connection to Kirsten and Naoto. You have a connection to Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Please don't let atomic bombs, or unecessary force in wartime happen again. Please make sure in the coming elections (no matter what country you may be a citizen of, but especially the U.S.) that you use your votes for peace.

Love and light,
Kirsten

"If we fight a war and win it with H-bombs, what history will remember is not the ideals we were fighting for but the methods we used to accomplish them. These methods will be compared to the warfare of Genghis Khan who ruthlessly killed every last inhabitant of Persia. "
-Hans A. Bethe

Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2004 22:45:56 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Don't just hide inside your house

Dear Friends and Family

Maika has learned to turn over from back to front at 2 months! Unfortunately, she doesn't know how to turn back...and apparently she doesn't actually like to be on her tummy.

Yes, easy baby has turned into cry baby.

She still coos quite frequently. Mostly at people, but sometimes at couches and walls, too.

Not sure if that is a good sign or not.

Naoto's losing major sleep over the start of the Olympics. (It is shown live at the wee hours of the morning here, and apparently Naoto won't even consider taping it because he says it loses some of the excitement) I thought it was kind of cool that because the opening ceremony used the Greek Alphabet, Japan and the U.S. actually marched in next to eachother.

It also made me think about which team Maika and Mia would cheer for. I can always fall back on the U.S. when we face Japan in a match. Maybe Maika will cheer the U.S. and Mia cheer Japan; or vice versa.

Yet another earth-shattering consideration for bicultural children. (Naoto says that it's cool until they are 20 and Japan forces them to choose, that Mia and Maika would be eligible to be on either Japan's or the U.S.'s Olympic team. I told him we probably won't have to worry too much about that problem. Especially since Mia's lack of physical prowess was demonstrated yesterday when she managed to trip and fall when she was just standing around.)

Don't just hide inside your house

The song:
If your English isn't up to snuff If your Japanese is kind of rough Don't just hide inside your house Give a yell for Kirsten's Spouse

The costume:
Purple Vikings football jersey with Randall on the back. Boxer shorts covered in cows. Bare feet. Shaved head.

The hero:
Naoto, or otherwise known as, Super Helpful Translator Guy. (Caution, do not abbreviate)

The scene: A Starbucks in Shinjuku. Our hero is standing behind a Western guy in line for his morning shot. While the guy is able to order coffee (because "iced latte grande" is the same in Japanese or English; and just as silly sounding, I might add) he runs into trouble when the innocent clerk tells him to sit down because the clerk will bring the ham-and-cheese-croissant to him when it's been properly heated. The guy thinks he isn't getting his croissant. The clerk is woefully using his limited English ("Bring....croissant....you...croissant").

Does the hardwon peace between West and East shatter over a bedeviled breakfast?

No! Never fear, Super Helpful Translator Guy is here! (Cue peppy trumpet music) Naoto quickly does a whirlwind change into his costume, then steps forward.

"She wants you to sit down and then she'll bring you your croissant when it's heated."

They guy smiles in comprehension. The clerk sighs in relief. The croissant will be properly heated, and the peace is saved.

Thanks, Translator Guy!

The point behind this weird story: Naoto often mentions to me how he helps somebody by translating or speaking English. It made me remember something good about Japan (I know, unbelieveable that I am not complaining).

People will stop and help you. I've been helped many times. Actually, any time I stand in front of a subway map for more than 2 minutes, someone will offer to help. (whether I need it or not, but that's not the point). Yesterday I traveled on the Tokyo subway with Maika in a stroller. (The subways are not what you would call "barrier-free". Think lots of steep stairways and no elevators).

I had two people offer me a seat, and two people grabbed the stroller to help me carry it up long staircases.

I don't know if that would have happened if I were Japanese. I would like to think the same kindness is extended towards fellow countrymen/women. But truth to say, I might have been helped because I am a stand-out foreigner.

Or maybe it was just because Maika is so gosh-darned cute.

I wonder how it is in Cleveland or San Francisco (two places I've lived a long time.) I wonder if people would help on buses or subways. I wonder if people would come up to foreigners in stores and ask if they needed help reading the back of a box of detergent.

I hope so.

love and light,
kirsten

Click image.

Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2004 00:07:07 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: All about ME and Amendment to Kirsten's World

Dear Friends and Family:

So I am a lame mother. I gave up. I decided to hire a nice German lady who lives nearby to come with her 4 year old for 4 hours a week and play with Mia.

That way I can do some writing, spend more quality time with Maika (instead of letting her get intimate with her play gym) and have a little emotional break.

Does that make me selfish? If I compare myself to the other Japanese mothers around who single-handedly manage all household duties (while naoto cooks on weekends and does dishes every night) and takes care of 2 or more children and don't see their husbands until 10 p.m. (Naoto comes home at a relatively early time of 7:15).....

then yes, I am selfish.

I just decided to not compare myself. (tee hee)

All about ME

So there's been an interesting discussion on my MIJ (married in Japan list) list recently about selfishness.

What is selfish? Is it culturally bound? Why are some things considered selfish in some cultures and not others?

Many people on the list seem to agree that in Japan, doing something that sticks out or that is different from others around you is selfish or childish.

For instance, one lady was considered selfish for not coming to work on the day she heard her stepfather had died of a heart attack back home in the States.

Another lady talked about young businessmen being considered selfish if they order something different from the most senior company person present at restaurants.

I think one could make all kinds of flighty assumptions about Japanese concepts of "self" and "group" based on the historical fuedal system and how people were herded into groups based on class, etc. etc.

But I think that would be misleading. Japan is a modern country with radically different (and changing) social patterns and family groups.

What is considered "selfish" by Naoto's parents' generation (and what daughter-in-law in what country in the world is NOT considered selfish sometimes by her mother-in-law?) is probably different from what my former surfer students at Josai would consider selfish.

Let me just say I don't think my former students would consider ordering different food than your boss a selfish act.

I know that I have butted heads with Japanese culture in some of the similiar ways I here my MIJ listmates complaining, so I know there is a trend out there. The trend seems to be that Americans/Canadians/Aussies do things like not want to work overtime for no pay or volunteer to teach English classes at local community centers when someone else is being paid to do the same job.

We also tend to resent putting the needs of our parents-in-law in front of the needs of our children. but that's a whole 'nother rant...

Those work resentments seem products of our different work cultures. An MIJer put it this way (in Kirsten paraphrase) "I view the world from "what is good for me" and Japanese bosses view it as "what is good for the company/me".

I also know that the cultural construction that I, Kirsten (U.S. white female) carries around in my head is that of "what can I do to make it the best/easiest for me and my family". I don't see the same somewhat aggressive stance in my Japanese mother friends. I see more of the "look how much I can bear, look how difficult my life is and how I smile and smile..."

Makes 'ya glad 'ta be American, let me tell 'ya.

Amendment to Kirsten's World

Those of you who have spent significant time with me know that if the rules of the world were left up to me, they would be 3 simple things:

1. Accept your sexuality
2. Deal with it
and last, but not least,
3. Be Nice

If everyone accepted their own sexuality, I believe many repressed politicians and people who are fearful of non-heterosexual relationships would chill out.

If everyone just "dealt with it" when bad things happened to them (I'm not saying be callous towards people whose families were murdered or who have significant drug troubles or depression here) and stopped trying to blame others, life would be better.

If everyone just tried to be nice, nice to clerks, nice to postmen, nice to mothers trying to get unwieldy strollers on trains, nice to janitors, nice to waiters, nice to everyone (except telemarketers) who are just trying to do their job, well then I am sure the world would be a rosier place.

Well, after about 10 years of believing these three rules to be the path towards mass enlightenment, I have finally found another.

4. Get out of the way

This applies to everything from not hogging a sidewalk to letting people make decisions about abortion for themselves or letting people have religious or sexual freedom. But be careful, it also means you can't limit someone else's freedom (like I am not advocating letting mass murderers do what they will, because that would be getting in the way of their victims' lives).

Sigh. The sky is pink in my world. What color is it in yours?

love and light,
Kirsten

P.S. Yet another summer festival where Naoto and Mia got onstage and joined in. Mia was thrilled. She loves the drums at festivals!

Click

Date: Fri, 27 Aug 2004 19:40:50 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Pacifist on Base

Dear Friends and Family:

Maika is 3 months old! Yay. She now turns over completely from back to front to back again. Mia just got a haircut and is looking very tomboyish these days.

Naoto is continuing to dominate his office. A guy from the parent office in Canada came to temporarily replace their HR person. He and Naoto are bonding on sports talk and Japanese Izakayas (kind of like tapas bars). Apparently, Naoto's been likened to a "tiger" at work by a boss of his. That made me laugh but in truth, it's probably true compared to the guppies who work with him. Naoto's got that unique edge: he doesn't care if he's fired. In a land where employment for life was still the norm up until recently, that is an edge. It means he's not afraid to complain and make waves.

We went to the once a year Yokota Air Force Base Friendship Festival this year.

Yokota Air Force Base is this huge chunk of land about a half hour's drive from our house. It houses families, military buildings, schools, etc.

You aren't allowed on base unless you are connected somehow. But once a year they open the doors to everybody in a festival.

This festival is very "American." Different groups inside the base (and who knew there were that many organized groups) like the Order for Excellence, Wives of Officers, Phillipine-Americans, etc, set up booths where they sell t-shirts, hamburgers, Cinnabon muffins, and the holy grail itself, barbequed steak dinners.

I say this is very "American" because it is normal people manning each booth. They are slow, unorganized, but they are friendly in that way Americans are with strangers. I found myself channeling my father and trying to joke at each booth. It was so nice to be misunderstood in my own language instead of being misunderstood in Japanese!

This is different because in Japan, most festival booths are manned by people connected with the Yakuza. Yes, while you wait for your crepe or octopus ball to finish cooking, you get to fear for your limbs instead of trading cracks about the weather.

It was also nice to walk around the festival and feel normal-sized. In Japan I am a lumbering tank of a woman, squeezing into places and crashing through people's houses with my oversized body.

At the festival, walking amidst wives and military folk, I felt positively small!

And now to the main topic of this post. Those of you who know me well are probably a little surprised that I would attend a festival mostly focused on the military.

You see, I am an idealistic pacifist most of the time. I went to a Quaker college. I have an international marriage. I (most of the time-there are exceptions) do not believe that war is a good choice for conflict resolution. Not even in the wake of 9/11 did I think it a good idea to strike back with arms. (and that's another whole rant so I will leave it at that for aw while.)

I do not support the U.S. military beyond a desire that none of them lose their lives.

It was so weird for me to walk around that base knowing my ideals and life experience were probably at a different end of the spectrum than most of the Americans I was seeing.

And yet...

Walking around the f-16s, watching Mia climb into the helicopters, watching a uniformed, female officer, I felt a little thrill. I felt proud and powerful knowing that these personnel and machines were there as a part of my country. I rode a wave of pure, patriotic goodness.

And it surprised me. And maybe I understood a little better the other side of the spectrum.

love and light,
Kirsten

Click the kid to enlarge.

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